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A Garden Springing Up

The pastors at my church are currently working through a series of sermons based on the book, Life’s Healing Choices:  Freedom from your Hurts, Hangups, and Habits, by John Baker.

We are going over the study guides in our Small Groups.  The Mr. and I attend one that meets on Friday nights.  We’re up to chapter two.

I’ve been reading along on the Kindle version, and let me tell you, this is an emotionally-charged book.

It’s dredging up a lot of painful memories.  The questions are difficult, but to answer less than truthfully would be dishonest and would hinder my recovery process.

A big thing we’ve been covering the past two weeks is control…how we want to control the things in our lives but can’t.

This is difficult for me, a self-professed control freak.

The hardest part, though is going back and looking at the things I’ve been through that I had no control of.  It is those things that have led to the hurts, hangups, and habits in my life.

It is those things that have led me to lead a life full of various fears.

During last week’s Small Group, the question was asked, “What is your greatest fear?”

I didn’t share.  At the time, I couldn’t really pinpoint one main fear; however, now that a few days have passed, I think I know what my main fear is.

I fear that my children will reject me, despite my desperate and flawed attempts to be a good mother.

If you’ve been reading my blog long, you already know that my relationship with my mom is nonexistent.  The separation happened gradually, over the course of my entire life.  The final break, though, has occurred within the last year and a half.

She has hurt me so many times that I just couldn’t take any more.

Over the last twenty-seven years, the Mr. has had to help me pick up the pieces of my heart more times than I can count, and quite honestly, the Super Glue we’ve been using to patch up the cracks finally ran out.

Her life choices led to things happening to me that I couldn’t control and that I still suffer the affects from.

Last week, I got very frustrated during Small Group…not with my friends, but with the thoughts that were going through my head.

I got aggravated because of the injustice of it all.

I think it’s unfair that my mom’s failings have led to so much hurt in my own life…when I didn’t get to choose those things…things that no child should ever have to face.

Then, one of my friends gently reminded me that God used those things to make me who I am today.

True statement.

I reflected on my teaching…the way I am able to connect with children who come from homes where they are not properly taken care of…where they are neglected…where they don’t have a father, a mother, or sometimes neither parent.

I seriously doubt if I’d be able to empathize with my students had I not gone through the trials of my early life.

It’s funny (not the best choice of words) how you think you’re over something and, once you start digging, you realize that you’re not.

That’s the hangup part of the study.

As to my greatest fear?

Well, I just pray that my children will see that, despite the parenting mistakes I’ve made over the years, I do love them, try to be there for them, and do my best to treat them equally.

On Sunday, one of the songs we sang was Gungor’s Beautiful Things.

I’ve posted the video for this song before, but I thought I’d share it again because it fits the topic of this post so well.

As we sang, I am not ashamed to say that tears flowed from my eyes.  The truth of the words hit my heart pretty hard.

God does make beautiful things come up from old, tired, worn-out ground.

He can lay a plow to the ground, uproot all of the weeds and things we don’t see below the surface, and plant new, beautiful, fragrant flowers.

I will never, ever claim that it is my own efforts that get me through each struggle.

I know that I am not strong enough.

God is, though, and I am so thankful for His strong arms…for His wisdom…for His love…that see me through each challenge and turns my struggles into a beautiful new garden.

 

“Beautiful Things”

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

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2 Responses

  1. I didn’t realize you were still going through it over the past year and a half. I’m sure your kids know just how lucky they are to have you as their mom. Prayers going out to you.

  2. Even though I only know you through this blog and the time we knit together on Oddball blankets, I can honestly say you are a beautiful person. You love your children and your students, and they definitely know it. I have appreciated your prayers for my sisters and myself. You live your faith and touch many lives.

    This study sounds intriguing and something I would be interested in reading. Do you think doing the lessons without a group would be beneficial?

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